carmen_lj | this is what tiredness and boredom and the wrong temperature will drive you to

I couldn't sleep last night, due to the stifling heat, so I ended up writing this. Inspired by The 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army and the Harry Potter parody.

50 Things I'm No Longer Allowed To Do At The Academy
by Theta Sigma

1- The Game of Rassilon does not involve the excessive drinking of alcoholic beverages.

2 – I will not refer to any TT-capsules as the DeLorean.

3 – Prydonian robes are for formal occasions, not “dressing up like Harry Potter.”

4- I am not the thirteenth regeneration of Rassilon.

5- The fact that the Eye of Harmony balances all things and does not flux nor wither nor change its state is not a challenge.

6 – I may not “pop down” to Rassilon’s tomb and poke him with a stick to see if he’s really dead.

7 – Small humans are not suitable Otherstide gifts.

8 – My future incarnations may not countermand Cardinal Borusa’s instructions.
-even if they are the Lord President.

9 – The Hand of Omega is not a sex toy.

10 – Yeti are not for cuddling.

11 – The Seal of Rassilon is not to be tattooed anywhere on my person.

12 – TARDISes do not have flux capacitors.

13 – I may not quote the human, Albert Einstein. Ever.

15 – I am not at risk of a predestination paradox if I hand in my thesis on time.

16 – Ushas’ mice did not eat my thesis.

17 - There is no trouser press of Rassilon.

18 – I may not write explicit homoerotic stories about Rassilon and Omega.

19 –I may not write any stories about Rassilon and Omega.

20 – I am not Lord High President of the Dance Floor.

21 – The Vortex is not to be referred to as “that swirly shiny bendy thing.”

22 – I may not “borrow” time from Cardinal Borusa’s lectures and add it back during
examinations.

23 - Abuse of legal technicalities is not a laughing matter.

24 – The Matrix is not based on any human film and I do not know kung fu.

25 – The Blinovitch Limitation Effect is not to be used for cheap party tricks.

26 – HG Wells is not an acceptable academic reference.

27 – The Chancellory Guard are not to be referred to as “cannon fodder.”

28 – Cardinal Borusa is not amused. Ever.

29 - New students are not to be told that the Eye of Rassilon leads to the magical land of Narnia.

30 – The Web of Time was not constructed by any sort of spider.

31 – Vampires are the mortal enemies of the Time Lords, and they do not sparkle.

32 – I am not a victim of causality or the “fiendish machinations” of a future self.

33 – It is not all Koschei’s fault.

34 – The Untempered Schism is not to be used for any sort of target practice.

35 – The Celestial Intervention Agency is not “totally bogus.”

36 – I am not allowed to spray-paint the grass green.

37 – The butterfly effect is not responsible for my failure to understand basic quantum mechanics.

38 - My name is not Theodore Logan. Nor is it Bill S. Preston Esquire.

39 – Gallifrey does not need to be saved by the whales.

40 – The transmat is not to be used to remove students from the examination hall, especially not in the middle of an exam.

41 – My nonsensical scribbles are not an obscure dialect of Old High Gallifreyan.

42 – There is no need for me to test the flammability of my Prydonian robes.

43 – A stolen block of validium is not a suitable lab partner.

44 – I will not attempt to resurrect the Pythian cult.

45 – This is not Starfleet Academy and I will not be “boldly going” anywhere.

46 – I have not just escaped from Shada and regenerated to disguise myself as a student.

47 – “Bombs away” is not an appropriate way to announce the completion of any science experiment.

48 – I will not challenge other students to “meet me in the Panoptican at dawn.”

49 – I will not attempt to add a fourth helix to the Gallifreyan genome.

50 – Regenerated Time Lords are not to be referred to as “the vanguard of the zombie hordes.”